A/N: Lirdolin on Candlekeep Forum wrote a brilliant parody. It is quoted here with his permission, in the entirety.
The original post can be found here.
The following parody does not reflect my actual view of the people concerned, but as there seems to still be quite a lot of anger about (some of) the 4e Realms creators, I thought maybe this will also help to ‚mend the editions’ if some people can finally have some payback at those ‚villians’… or at least their ficitonal counterparts in the Post-Spellplague Realms
Dungeons of the Dragon Coasts Liches
Before the Spellplague this dark cabal of liches was a cadre of benign wizards who once were hailed as heroes on the Dragon Coast and who might even at one time have saved the Realms itself. But in the time shortly before the Spellplague the wizards began to dabbel in the mysteries of the newly discovered Shadow Weave and descendet into darkness and turned to the worship of Shar, Cyric and entities from the Far Realm. When the Spellplague struck, the wizards were turned into spellscarred liches by the rampant magic. Among the members of the cabal are:
Rubrec Cordell, a star pact warlock, whose lich-form sports the head of an illithid and the tentacles of an aboleth. He once claimed to be a relative of fhe famous amnian captian-general Cordell, a fact that matters little to him today, as he is fully entranced by the mysteries of the Far Realm. From his lair, a former temple of a dark and alien sea-god, located on the muddy coast north of Starmantel he tries to establish ties to the Abolethic Sovereignity and some remote fishing villages have taken up worshiping ‚Great Curdul’.
Sir Schism, is actually a death knight and a former paladin of Selűne, but has mastered many dark magic rituals. His lair is the „Shattered Moon Keep”, were he builts himself a small army of undead followers in service to his patron goddess Shar.
Ebon Hir Soo hails from Kara-Tur and he appears as a blackend husk. Besides the already formidable powers of a lich, he also has the ability to drain blood like a vampire. Ebon Hir Soo lets himself be revered as a divine being by a loyal cult of shou followers in Nathlan and lords over a group of female eastern vampire-ninjas, who steal pre-spellplague books for him from rival sages.
The Swordlich, a nameless lich, about whose past is only known, that he was a rich baker from Starmantel before he began to study magic. He still resides in the ruins of his home city, studying the effects of the Spellplague. His swordmage fighting style suggests that he learned his art in Myth Drannor shortly after the Elven Crusade. His gigantic broadsword ‚Avenger’sports glowing dark red runes and does not only channels his swordmage powers, but also is a Lifedrinker weapon. He acts most openly and so many people of the Dragon Coast think that he must be stopped, not knowing that he is only part of a group.
Nihilthap the Asp came originally from vanished Mulhorand and was swayed from the worship of Thoth to that of Cyric, whom he sees as Toril’s version of Apophis. His lair is an earth mote above the Orsraun Mountains, which sports a small pyramid-shaped tempel to Cyric and several bluefire mummies subservient to him.
Mesjar the Brain after a failed experiment all that remains of this lich is a floating brain manteled in blue fire. His favorite pastime is writing and rewriting histories of the realms. He even developed a spell ‚rewrite history’ that does not let him change actual events in time , but let’s him change books from earlier ages. but of late he begins to doubt his past evil actions and tries to redeem himself by creating a pure acount of Torils history.
An almost forgotten historical fact is that Elminster of Shadowdale worked with these wizards of the Dragon Coast before they started to research shadowmagic and that he also made common cause with them in the first years of the Spellplague, during the first of his spellcasting induced fits of madness, until Storm rescued and healed him.
All the Liches are quite powerful , but were also driven howling mad by the Spellplague. Most have delusions of how they brought about the Spellplague, have driven Elminster mad, killed the Crinti of Dambrath, destroyed Halruaa or sank Luiren and Lantan.
But in some of their claims also rest grains of truth. The cabal’s symbol is a white shooting star surounded by blue and purpel runes on a black field. The circel’s meeting room, the Halls of the Ash-Orb is located in the ruins of Starmantel, a city of rich merchants that was consumed by the Spellplague and can be reached via keyed gates connected to the seperate lairs of the liches.
An artifact that is rumored to once have been the orb on top of Azuth’s staff and thereby have been part of the murder-weapon of Mystra, making it an actual harbringer of the Spellplague. It is said to have dropped from the heavens and is responsible for the devastation of Starmantel. It is rumored to grant dark magics similar to the blackest powers granted by Shar’s ShadowWeave, but also to curse its user with the madness of Cyric and inflict spellscars or even plaguechange its keepers.
Minions of the Liches
Ninghael of House Numecian, this hauntingly beautiful darkelf vampiress is also known as „the Elfshadow” as she monitors the elven and dark elven activites in the area for the liches. Originally she hails from the drow city of T’lindhet below the Gnollwatch Mountains of Dambrath and spied on Halruaa for the city’s houses. Later she ran afoul of Harper agents who by accident chased her into a vampire’s lair, where she was turned a vampire herself.
Torik „Dice” Tebes, a former member of Westgate’s Night Masks, this vampire was driven from Westgate by the Fire Knives and the Eye of Justice. He now has returned to Westgate to infiltrate the city’s current thieves guilds on orders from the liches. He was a gambler even before his undeath, hence the nick-name, and had to flee Waterdeep because of his debts. He settled down in Westgate and there became a member of the Night Masks. He hasn’t lost his taste for gambling though and still enjoys a good bet or game.